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Critical friend or foe - which one are you?
Martin Hurworth • 21 July 2020
How my fear of tears forced me to become a better leader
In a previous MD role, I used to regularly take a walk through the building early in the morning, to focus my mind before the day really got started.
I was usually the first one in, but one morning I noticed that one of my team was already in - and even for her, this time was way too early. I popped my head around the door and told her as much. She gave me the stock answer; very factual, about how busy she was and how much she had to do.
When I queried why, she started to cry. Awkward. So I left.
OK, that last part didn’t happen - the part where I left. But avoiding emotion used to be the style I was most comfortable with.
A few years before another colleague broke down and cried during a 1:1 we were having. He was leading a difficult project and was stuck on some major challenges. I can clearly remember the awkwardness of it. He hung his head and cried as I stared at the wall past him. I was determined not to acknowledge the situation. It was so uncomfortable for both of us. I carried on talking, ignoring his tears.
That meeting, and my response, often comes back to me.
In my work I regularly meet with investment businesses and private equity firms and one conversation in particular has stayed with me.
I wanted to understand how their portfolio Chairman and CEO's work together, and what made them successful. It was down to their relationship, they said - they adopted a ‘critical friend’ approach throughout - with the Chairman acting as a critical friend to the CEO, the CEO to the senior team and so on.
A critical friend is someone who is encouraging and supportive, but who also provides honest and often candid feedback that may be uncomfortable or difficult to hear.
The idea of the critical friend really resonates with me. I’ve realised that all my best working relationships, in business or my personal life, could be described as critical friend relationships.
And conversely, if I look back to difficult periods in my life, personally or professionally, most were either caused or exacerbated by a lack of critical friends at the time.
Back to my early riser colleague. We worked well together, and I would say that our relationship was one of being critical friends. My gut told me there was more to her answer than met the eye. Sure enough, one question later she was crying and opening up about how work was getting on top of her.
Then, just like in the 1:1, I still felt awkward. But by this time, I’d learned to sit with that discomfort and use it to guide my curiosity, while trying to be the critical friend that she needed. I slowed the pace of our conversation down, to give us space to explore her feelings, thoughts and realities. With her permission I was able to challenge her thinking, and we discussed some uncomfortable truths. But afterwards the outcome for her workload and her work-life balance was a good one.
This is my version of the critical friend approach. It takes time to develop, is more demanding of you and relies on a number of factors. Both sides must have absolute trust, so there’s no fear of being open or showing vulnerability. In some cases and for some people this just isn’t possible.
Ideally the manager needs coaching skills or is a great listener. Most importantly - and this is when it hasn’t always worked for me in the past - there needs to be an absence of ego. There must be a genuine need to give and take support.
When done well, this approach can deliver amazing results for the team and the individual. It reinforces your relationships reciprocally, especially in those times where it can get lonely at the top.
It’s been the single biggest factor in my success as a leader to date.
It was just an ordinary Monday until my boss walked into my office and said the words no one’s ever ready to hear, “your role is at risk of redundancy”. I knew what this really meant. I was out. My stomach dropped. I lost all clarity of thought and I struggled to keep it together and take in what was being said. All I could think of was that everything I knew and took for granted in this part of my life would soon be over. Six years of growing a business, readying it for a successful private equity sale, and growing myself, rising to proudly lead a team of 300 as managing director, was about to end. Why was I so surprised? I knew the private equity playbook - this was standard form. But knowing something will happen doesn’t mean you’re ready for it. Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth, as Mike Tyson put it, and this punch really hurt
Step up or step out? Cash in or cash out? Family successor? How best to pass on your business when the time is right for you to bid farewell. As far as most successful self-made entrepreneurs are concerned, when it comes to running your own business, Carly Simon was right; nobody does it better. From my experience the more passionate the founder, the more they will struggle with the idea that someone else might have the drive, passion or skills to do a better job than they could. It’s understandable - after all, no one else really knows the sacrifices you’ve made to get your business to where it is today. There may have been times when that passion, that belief was the only thing keeping your business going. But I found it’s also completely untrue and may well be stopping you from realising the true value of your business when the time comes to sell. I’ve seen first-hand how this limiting belief can be overcome. Given the right environment, an outsider can transform your business, protecting what you’ve built and increasing its value through new energy and ambition - here’s how you can turn the handover process into a positive and financially rewarding experience.